Birthday Breakdowns
by Tvadict
Summary: Takes place after 4x21. Erin makes it home and hears a knock on the door. Jay came after her.
1. Chapter 1

She fought herself over whether to bring him the bottle. Still bitter he left her to figure things out alone, still aching from his absence. But it's his birthday, and she loves him. So she willed herself to walk into Molly's and give the love of her life his birthday present to remind him that she still cares, that she is still in love with. Though she hopes he already knows it.

She was fine until Jay actually opened the bottle, knowing he would offer to pour her a glass. She hadn't planned for that. She refuses and chokes it up to a long day, finding her exit. But the man she loves can see right through her demeanor. He knows she's not okay. And rushes after her, stopping her at the door. He asks her anyway already knowing the answer. Erin admits to not being okay, and the truth is she's not. She tells him it's because she shot and killed a 14 year old boy, but it runs deeper than that. Erin is angry. Angry she let her self believe she wouldn't be alone again. Angry the only man she trusts, trusted, left her. Angry it has been weeks since she felt safe in his arms. Angry that she wants to fall apart to him, wants to crawl in bed in his arms and cry out every emotion she has kept locked away. She's angry at the world for putting a 14 year old boy in a situation where Erin Lindsay had to shoot him. Truthfully Erin would have loved that drink Jay poured her, but not today. She can't. And she can't tell Jay why so she fleas the bar, only telling him she's upset about the boy. He can see how broken she is, and he wants to take her pain away so he pulls her into his arms. But Erin doesn't reciprocate the embrace. Afraid that if she lets herself feel the comfort of his arms, it will hurt more when he finally releases her. She can smell him and his sent sends chills through her body, almost enough for her to fall apart right there. He lets her go and she walks out the door doing everything she can not to fall apart right in front of him. She's too stubborn for that. Erin walks to her car, takes a breath and begins the drive home.

She parks the car, and climbs the 2 flights of stairs to their, no her, apartment. Opens the door and collapses against it as it closes. Finally overcome with the day's emotions. He was 14. She is supposed to protect him. But she had to. He had her staring down the barrel of an automatic weapon ready to pull the trigger. She was not prepared to put herself in that kind of danger and didn't know the man underneath the mask was only a boy. She wanted Jay and hated herself for not being stronger. She hated herself for needing him but she did. Especially now. She ran a hand over her abdomen and just held it there. Crying about the life she created with their partner. Crying again because he doesn't know. She wanted desperately to tell him. Tell him so he might be happy, tell him because he might come back, and because she was absolutely terrified to be carrying this child. Terrified because her child was too staring down the barrel of that gun today and Erin had put it there. She manages to pick herself up from the base of the door and gets herself into the bedroom. She pulls on one of his T-shirts and a pair of pajama shorts and breathes in his sent making her once again lose control. She's fetal on the bed when she hears a knock on the door.

Erin knows its Jay. A realization that is as scary and infuriating as it is comforting. She walks half way to the door before she stops to collect herself. She hears "Erin, I know you're there…Open the door… please." But this was not the way it was supposed to be. She was not to supposed to fall apart to him. She was supposed to be strong for him so that when he was ready to open up to her she was there. "Erin, please" comes again from the other side of the door. He can he her quietly trying to keep herself together. "Erin." He calls again. Finally she hears the key slip into the door and knows that she can't hide from him. The door swings open gently and there he is standing in her doorway. He looks at her and it nearly breaks him. The Hurt in her eyes, the fear, and despair. The fact that he helped take away the sparkle in her eyes. He knew it wasn't just the boy. He knew she was using it in part as an excuse to cover everything else going on. He takes a cautious step towards her. And another. Slowly closing the space between them. "Erin" he says. His voice almost enough to send her into another breakdown. He's also at a loss for words. "Why are you here Jay?" she finally says. "Because I love you" he says back in desperation for her to really hear it.

Her body begins to shake as she holds back her tears. Jay finally closes the gap throwing his strong arms around Erin's petite frame. Erin loses it. Soaking his shirt in ugly uncontrollable tears. He leads her towards the couch pulling her into him as they sit down. Her tears slow and she sucks in a large breath of air. "Talk to me" he whispers to her using his genital hand to pull up her face so he could look into her eyes.

She diverts her gaze from him. "I can't. Because I'm not supposed to be the one falling apart. Because me falling apart about today and you and everything else doesn't solve our problems, Jay."

"Then yell at me, Erin. I can take it. And God knows I deserve it, and I can handle it… Yell at me."

That was all the permission she needed. Erin stood from the couch and let it out. "I have been alone my whole life. Dammit It I was good at being alone. I never dreamed I'd make it this far in my life. And I never believed that someone like you would walk into my life. Someone who would make me want to let them in. Someone as relentless and stubborn as you who fought me every step of the way to open up to you. You got me to trust you believe that at the end of a long day like today you would be there and we would go home together. And then shit got hard and you left, even when I asked you to stay." She was yelling now. "And I feel foolish. And angry because I trusted that you wouldn't leave. And then you did. You left Jay. And I don't know If I can trust you the same way I did. And I just really…" She began to break down again and he yelling ceased. She turned her gaze away from him afraid to see his reaction to what she would say next. "I need you to open up to me if this is going to work. And to be honest Jay, I'm not sure how to fix this even if you do talk to me."

That hit him. She knew It would but she didn't say it to hurt him. She said it because it is the truth.

"I'm sorry" he whispered. "I…I don't know where to start Erin. But I'm sorry and I love you and I want to come home."

"I'm not sure If I can let you do that Jay. I need answers and I need to trust you and right now I don't."

So he dove right in. Partly to try and save his relationship and partly because he needed to tell her. He had kept his past from her for so many years and he was as ready as he was going to be to finally tell her. "I have PTSD" he began. "It's from my time in Afghanistan." She came back and returned her gaze to the broken man who sat with his head hung in his lap. He continued. During my last tour 4 of the guys in my unit were killed during an ambush. We were totally blind sighted and they were captured and taken prisoner. Held captive. Four days later we found them and their bodies had been mutilated. They were tortured. Two of them were found without their heads. I will never get that image out of my head. I should have stopped it..." the tears began to fell and instantly all the anger was wiped frim her. Erin went to him, placing her hands over his. Letting him know she was there. He continued. "When we went in to recover the men, another of our guys was killed. And I shot and killed a young girl would has just there. The look on her mother's face as she clutched her dying body..." "I still have nightmares of all of it. And I'm afraid to hurt you. Abbey brought all those suppressed memories back up for me. I'm sorry I never told you about her. I should have, It was such an irrelevant moment in my life." He broke, and he couldn't speak through his sobs. She pulled him into her, wanting to take away all of his pain hoping that her touch would bring them both the comfort they so desperately sought. He just barely managed to say "I'm sorry." Because he was. He was sorry that he hurt her, angry that he wasn't strong enough to let her in before. Erin just held him as he sobbed. He had more to tell her but they had both silently decided it was enough on the subject for the night.

Erin didn't know what to say back to him. She didn't know how to tell him how angry and hurt and damaged she was, but how grateful she was for what he just told her. How strong she thought he was for finding the courage to face it, even if his first thought had been to face it alone. He gave her courage. So she decided to start with what scared her most. Even if it was not the right time, even if it was a bad idea she needed to tell him because he was here. So she took a deep breath placed her forehead against his arm and breathed out "I'm pregnant."


	2. Chapter 2

"What?" Jay utters, a slight smile audible in his breathy and questioning voice. Erin's head still pressed to his upper arm. "I'm pregnant" she says faintly as she exhales another deep breath and looks up to meet his gaze. A look a shock on his face, but a half smile on his lips. "You're pregnant?"

Erin shrugs and responds with a timid "yeah." She meets his gaze again, hoping to gather how he is taking the news. Suddenly Jay releases a shaky chuckle and a big smile. He looks into her scared eyes with nothing but love in his own. "How did this happen?" he asks. Not to convey he was not excited, but legitimately wondering how they conceived a child seeing as how they always took extra precautions to prevent such an occurrence. "I don't know, but it did," Erin replies back to him. "Wow" was all Jay could say back to her before pulling her into to a bear hug. Erin buried her head in his shoulder breathing him in and taking his comfort. "I'm really scared, Jay" she whispered into his neck. "You don't have to be. I'm here, Erin. We are in this together, and I'm never going to leave you again." Erin took comfort in his words, but had none to reply. She wanted desperately to believe them that he would be there, but that was what she thought last time. Jay recognized the source of her silence, squeezed her a little tighter and said "Erin, I will spend every day proving to you that I am not going anywhere. I know you don't trust that right now…but I will prove it to you. I'm never going to leave you again." She smiled, and pulling out of the hug to look at his face and corrected him "Us. You're never going to leave us again." She offered another smile while meeting his gaze. Jay was over whelmed with how incredible Erin Lindsay was. She took him back after he put her through hell. After he left the woman who trusted he would never leave. She could handle it. Everything. She could listen to his past without judgment, help him through his problems, and she would be an amazing mother even though Jay knew she didn't believe it yet. "I love you" he said reaching up to cup her face with his hands. "I love you Erin." He pulled her small face towards his own until their lips met. Slow and delicate. It had been over a month since he felt her soft lips on his own. "I missed you" she breathed into him. And their slow and delicate kisses grew more passionate. Their longing for each other fueling their lips. Erin pulled away slowly, smiling. Finally letting herself feel joy over the life inside her. "We're having a baby." She said looking at him. He reciprocated her flushed grin and repeated back "we're having a baby."

He kissed the top of her head and she moved down to rest her head on his chest. She traced circles on his chest and relished in the safety and comfort she felt with her lover holding her tight. It is what she missed the most during their time apart. Feeling his warmth. "How long have you known?" Jay asked her. "little over 4 weeks," she replied back. "I had been feeling a little off and honestly didn't think anything of it. And then I realized I was late. I had some suspicions and finally brought myself to take the test. I didn't actually think it would be positive."

"How far along are you?" he asked

"Um, I'm not really sure. I have a doctor's appointment Friday afternoon, hopefully they can tell me then."

"Good." He rubbed her back taking in every inch of her. There was a lag in the conversation but the lack of speaking was not awkward. It never was. Finally Jay broke the silence and asked "can I come?"

"What?" she asked, not knowing quite what he was referring to.

"To the doctor's appointment. Can I come?" she adored the fact that he felt he had to ask. But to be honest, she would be terrified to go alone. She was scared enough as it is, having Jay there just made it easier. Even if it would be a little awkward.

"You better mister." She said back playfully. Burrowing her head into the nook of his arm.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here, Erin." He whispered.

"You're here now," she yawned, letting her eyes close.

"I think it's a girl." Jay said. The lack of response telling him that Erin had fallen asleep. He shifted her up and pulled her into his arms lifting her from the couch and putting her into her, no their, bed. Erin opened her eyes noticing jay walking out of the room. "Jay." She called to him. "you said you wouldn't leave."

"I'm not babe. Just getting the light." He crawled in bed beside her and took the role of the big spoon, pulling her body into him. One arm under her neck and the other lifted the fabric of her shit to lay his hand on her abdomen. He rubbed small circle on the skin and smiled at the fact that just under his hand lay their unborn child. His touch gave Erin shills and it sent a smile straight to her face. "I love you" she whispered. Drifting to sleep. Feeling truly at home now that Jay was with her. "Best birthday ever." He whispered back into her ear, placing a gentle kiss on her jaw line. "I love you too."


End file.
